Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Just why bro?!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks