Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Some people were born into their job.
