If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Thinking about Jeff
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Current mood: Potato
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.