Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”