Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣