they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
“Worm Regards”
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
