cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.