do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.