During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
#Caturday
That’s it.I’m out.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry