Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Always.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.