everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??