Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
#Caturday
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Wait a minute…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.