If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?