When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Pringles
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
won’t smith