Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again