@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
plums roundup
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!