Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”