20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.