sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?