My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword