I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious