living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.