doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.