I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’