Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My Sentiments Exactly
