Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.