hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
the clam before the storm