I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”