If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂