Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .