Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
the clam before the storm
The pen is writier than the sword.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*