I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
😩😩😩
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon