Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
✌🏽
