when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.