I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Just grow your own
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me too
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.