They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Roombas should bark
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
