I didn’t come here to be called names
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.