“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Many hands make light work
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work