wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…