As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
i think we should see other cousins
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh