Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send