i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.