Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”