Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.