Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Can’t. Being lazy.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.