Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The biggest mystery of our time
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
The “research” scene in every horror movie
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
synchronized noseblowing
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply