Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Worth a try
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I am, perchance