Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
