How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
#parenting
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.