Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Brb my Sims are getting married
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The only equipped I am is ill.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel