gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Brb my Sims are getting married
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The only equipped I am is ill.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life